Michael's Dispatches

Petraeus Stoning Sentence Handed Down by Elders



To strike a blow against Temptation, the unholy Muslims use acids to dissolve the lures of a Temptress, along with cutting off her nose, lips or ears.  Such actions are permissible and not considered defilements of God’s work.

Mirrors and a woman’s beauty are the work of Satan.  Mirrors are Satan’s windows, and women who talk to mirrors whisper directly into his ear.  “Who is the fairest of them all?”  The Devil is quick to answer, “You are the fairest my dear.  Now go fetch a man’s soul for my appetites!”  Satan invested especial effort creating the woman Broadwell, for he needed many powerful baits in collusion to entice the man Petraeus to taste the poison honey.

image032-1000The events will take the minds of the masses off of the endless war in Afghanistan, the debacle in Benghazi, the crime and unemployment at home, and the irony that Baltimore is more dangerous than Kabul.

Counter-beautification measures are known to defeat the spell cast by beauty, and shall be considered despite their association with Muslims.  If the woman is deemed to be a Temptress, she shall face the blade, then the acid, before the Stoning, so that final public memories of her disfigurement shall be burned into every eye cast upon her.

Her punishment shall be broadcast live on all television stations.  (The Stoning of the man shall not be broadcast.)

image034-1000Two men shall be hanged in each of the top 100 cities

During the natural intermission caused by the final testing for Witch-ness, and the trial for Temptation, eighty military officers of no special name or circumstance shall be nominated by the Federal Inquisitors for lynching.  The Inquisitors shall nominate the selectees by randomly reading postal letters.

The Inquisitors possess the authority to read personal letters after good Americans decided that it was wise to surrender their unholy freedoms back to the Trusted Elders, and to the Nine Wise Men, who can more properly hold trials in secret, which lifts a heavy burden from the public, and ensures security and perfect justice in all cases.

The Inquisitors are today randomly inspecting bags of mail to and from the Pentagon and military bases worldwide, in order to nominate the lynching candidates.  The General John Allen is suspected, but he is a man of consequence and he shall be saved for another day.  There is also the practical matter that he is deployed to war and must be fetched for punishment if he is convicted of any wrongdoing.

image036-1000The Great Hanging of military officers shall take place in Washington on the same day. Audience participation is encouraged.

This lynching is not an attempt by the Trusted Elders, or by the Nine Wise Elders, to distract attention from other matters, or by the Inquisitors of the FBI to draw attention from its bewitched agent Humphries, who was Tempted by a married woman, who appears to be a Witch, or at minimum a Temptress, causing the agent of the Holy FBI to become smitten even while he investigated her dirtiness.  She claimed diplomatic immunity, and Ambassadorship, and so at minimum was using the implements of disguise.  She shall be dealt with in due course.

image038-1000Citizens who attempt to disrupt the events shall be admonished en masse.

The intermission lynching is for the enjoyment of the mob, and to keep them entertained while the woman Broadwell is tested for Witchcraft and examined for Temptations.  Any speculation that the lynchings are for any other purpose invites mail reading and public pillory, or other forms of discipline.


To assure the safety of the mob, no Stones shall be tossed during the live entertainment.  The event shall begin with customary ostracization (profanity is punishable by fine), followed by a normal gauntlet.  For safety, bullwhips are not permitted (they are by any means impractical in the gauntlet).

Horse crops, pinching, slapping and punching are permitted.  Gawkers should refrain from the gauntlet to allow room for participants.  Cameras are permitted during all events, assuming that common courtesy is observed.  Official photographers will be present. Photographs will be distributed to all newspapers.  Journalists are encouraged to swarm upon the story and with piranha-like fervor.


No torture shall be allowed during the lynching, which will end in a merciful hanging.  Commemorative postcards will be printed on site, and will be available for immediate sale.

In case of the Special Stoning of the woman Broadwell, one ton of projectiles shall be provided without charge.  The projectiles shall be small cat-eye playing marbles, and pieces of jagged coral and oyster shells, taken from dead ocean reefs.

Double throws will be permitted.  Slingshots will be strictly prohibited.  The Wrecking Ball of Mercy shall not be employed.  Special Stonings of Women typically last for 10 to 12 hours.

image043-1000The woman Broadwell shall be properly buried before Stoning

Personal projectiles are forbidden.  Used projectiles may be taken as keepsakes, free of charge.  Proper attire is expected.  No shorts, no sandals.

Upon completion, the body of the Woman shall be set upon a bonfire, followed by fireworks and libations.

Please see this video of a recent stoning.

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  • This commment is unpublished.
    Hercdriver · 6 years ago
    As I recall, the photo of the Depression-era woman you used is a Pulitzer-winner showing a migrant family of Oakies who had fled the Dust Bowl. I don't fully agree with its use, although I am sure there are faces such as hers to be currently seen in various locations around America. She is really beautiful; not in the classic sense, of course, but in the strength and determination she portrays in the face of terrible adversity. I have seen the photo many times and have often wondered what eventually happened to her and her family. She is reminiscent of the photo of Sharbat Gula, the Afghan woman who appeared on the cover of national Geographic.
    • This commment is unpublished.
      Joe · 6 years ago
      Herc guy ... ur absolutely right it's Dorothea Lange's work
    • This commment is unpublished.
      Me · 6 years ago
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Brian · 6 years ago
    You have a strange sense of humor my friend.....
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Michael Yon author · 6 years ago
    Sad to see that so many journalists who supported Petraeus before, suddenly piling on. The irony is inescapable.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    David Cross · 6 years ago
    :lol: Michael: You are one sick puppy albeitca well informed MOFO. Just saw "Lincoln"today(a real Spielberg masterpiece)
    and went on FB to catch up on the usual chatter but was not ready for your rant on the whole Petraeus affair(no pun intended)
    Your wit,humor and true understanding of what's really going on here are remarkable.
    Your parody of Salem Witch Hunts, hangings, and Supreme Court was right on.
    Keep on Keeping on Brother-David Cross
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Barbara · 6 years ago
    Wow, this is a way more complicated process than anything I ever read in Leviticus. It had to be written by the Pentagon. Sarcasm intended.

    The way journalists have turned this into a feeding frenzy shows how fickle their attentions can be.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Hercdriver · 6 years ago
    [quote name="Me"]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_Owens_Thompson[/quote]

    I appreciate it very much.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    klon · 6 years ago
    That's real cute. He left his men to die in Benghazi while he left to hobnob at the movie premiere glorifying our president's 'heroics' in killing bin Laden. Petraeus didn't even bother to stay around for the conclusion, he didn't send support, he didn't act he abdicated responsibility and two of his men died after 8 hours of fighting while he posed for photos. He did a great job in Iraq, his attempt to replicate it in Afghanistan was an utter failure. This is not about who he's sleeping with, it's about his current job. How about general John Allen in Afghanistan, he's such a success that he's had time to trade 30,000 pages of emails with the broke Florida party girl who apparently believes she's due diplomatic immunity. Again, who cares, the war's such a glorious success, 30,000 pages of emails, that's a lot of time when soldiers are dying every day. Perhaps he should be sending the commander in chief 30,000 emails with the news we should stop wasting our soldiers lives in that useless cesspool, or thinking up strategies. 30,000 is not a number you do on your idle off hours, 30,000 is a number compiled while you're doing nothing else but. I don't care if he's playing chess, talking to his children, 30,000 indicates the man has abdicated his duty, that he is no longer fit to serve. Our soldiers and taxpayers deserve better.
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