Michael's Dispatches

Petraeus Stoning Sentence Handed Down by Elders


image016-1000Petraeus and the Woman shall be pilloried for three consecutive days before the event. They shall be watered but not fed. FBI Inquisitor Fredrick Humphries shall be carried by able men and tossed from the 14th Street Bridge into the River Potomac. If he can swim, he is free to escape to the far side into permanent banishment.

The Farmer’s Almanac indicates that the weather should be clear, and Nostradamus predicted that the Stoning will be punctual.  The official Witchdoctor from Kenya rolled chicken bones, and predicted a timely execution. Punxsutawney Phil said that it will be a day like any other.

image018-1000FBI Inquisitor Fredrick Humphries sent a shirtless photograph of himself to the married woman Jill Kelley, who complained about the adulteress Broadwell, which led the Inquisitors back to Petraeus.

The maximum time for the Petraeus Quick Stoning is 10 minutes.  If the sentence is not completed within 10 minutes, the 5-ton Wrecking Ball of Mercy shall be released to complete the sentence in accordance with decency and compassion.


After the event, the used Stones shall again be auctioned for full and perpetual ownership, along with an official certificate of authenticity.  No body parts or fluids shall be auctioned, though bloodied Stones shall be auctioned at a premium.

image021-1000Criminals shall be pilloried in celebration for seven days in the top 100 cities

The woman Broadwell shall remain pilloried and present during the Quick Stoning.  Selected criminals shall be pilloried around Washington, and by the courthouses of the top 100 cities of the Republic, to strike terror into the hearts of evildoers.  A fine of $10 shall be levied against anyone striking or tossing a Stone at the pilloried criminals.  (This is expected to raise significant revenue.)

After General Petraeus’s Quick Stoning, it must be determined if the woman Broadwell is a Temptress, or a Witch, and this shall be performed in the normal manner, in the River Potomac, from the 14th Street Bridge.

image023-1000Distraction hanging

Before the woman is tested, the Federal Bureau of Inquisition (FBI) shall perform a distraction using a criminal, who shall be hanged from the bridge, as is customary.  The rope shall be cut, and as the current carries the body away, the Devil will be distracted as he steals the soul, allowing several minutes for Witch testing.

Without distraction, the presence of the Devil may render a false reading by lifting the body of a woman to the surface, who may be a Temptress, or just a Wretch or Wench, as are all women in their evil cores.  There is good in every man, but only God knows which women contain rare traces worthy of redemption.

image024-1000During a recent Witch trial, a Federal Inquisitor was stricken dead by curse.

If the woman Broadwell floats, she will of course be judged to be a Witch.  To minimize risk of transport and escape, the Witch shall be burned upon the same bridge, using a fuel of collected driftwood and seized pornography, with her ashes poured into the River Potomac under the cover of darkness.

At least 12 hours shall transpire between her execution and that of General Petraeus, to allow the man’s soul plenty of head start.  Otherwise the ghost of Broadwell shall with its evil determinations and emulations seek and find him, damning his soul to perpetual torment.  The woman Broadwell is a very fit runner, and so the soul of Petraeus will need advantage if it is to rest in peace.

image026-1000Newspapers shall run stories of justice rendered.

If the woman Broadwell drowns and is thus discovered not to be a Witch, she shall be revived and dragged behind a black gelding to the Supreme Courthouse of the Elders.  A stallion may not be used, lest a Temptress use her powers to persuade the stallion to aid her in escape.  It displeases the people when they must Stone a horse.

image028-1000The woman Broadwell is a dangerous beast and must remain shackled. Inquisitors shall carry pistols loaded with silver bullets.

The woman Broadwell’s body shall be examined for piercings, tattoos, enhancements of the lips or of the curved regions, or other permanent defilements to the human body such as straightening of the teeth.  If ruinations are found, she shall be judged guilty of despoiling a Temple of God.

If the woman Broadwell is found to use impermanent pollutions such as perfumes, or paints for finger or toenails, or colored contact lenses, which are known to perturb the hearts of good men, she shall be judged a Temptress who practiced seduction, but not special magic.

If she employed premeditated Temptations, the man shall be considered innocent and a prayer shall be said for his accosted soul and for his natural goodness, so that the man shall not be damned for eternity, and so he may rest in peace if he can escape the ghost of the woman Broadwell.

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  • This commment is unpublished.
    Hercdriver · 6 years ago
    As I recall, the photo of the Depression-era woman you used is a Pulitzer-winner showing a migrant family of Oakies who had fled the Dust Bowl. I don't fully agree with its use, although I am sure there are faces such as hers to be currently seen in various locations around America. She is really beautiful; not in the classic sense, of course, but in the strength and determination she portrays in the face of terrible adversity. I have seen the photo many times and have often wondered what eventually happened to her and her family. She is reminiscent of the photo of Sharbat Gula, the Afghan woman who appeared on the cover of national Geographic.
    • This commment is unpublished.
      Joe · 6 years ago
      Herc guy ... ur absolutely right it's Dorothea Lange's work
    • This commment is unpublished.
      Me · 6 years ago
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Brian · 6 years ago
    You have a strange sense of humor my friend.....
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Michael Yon author · 6 years ago
    Sad to see that so many journalists who supported Petraeus before, suddenly piling on. The irony is inescapable.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    David Cross · 6 years ago
    :lol: Michael: You are one sick puppy albeitca well informed MOFO. Just saw "Lincoln"today(a real Spielberg masterpiece)
    and went on FB to catch up on the usual chatter but was not ready for your rant on the whole Petraeus affair(no pun intended)
    Your wit,humor and true understanding of what's really going on here are remarkable.
    Your parody of Salem Witch Hunts, hangings, and Supreme Court was right on.
    Keep on Keeping on Brother-David Cross
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Barbara · 6 years ago
    Wow, this is a way more complicated process than anything I ever read in Leviticus. It had to be written by the Pentagon. Sarcasm intended.

    The way journalists have turned this into a feeding frenzy shows how fickle their attentions can be.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Hercdriver · 6 years ago
    [quote name="Me"]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_Owens_Thompson[/quote]

    I appreciate it very much.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    klon · 6 years ago
    That's real cute. He left his men to die in Benghazi while he left to hobnob at the movie premiere glorifying our president's 'heroics' in killing bin Laden. Petraeus didn't even bother to stay around for the conclusion, he didn't send support, he didn't act he abdicated responsibility and two of his men died after 8 hours of fighting while he posed for photos. He did a great job in Iraq, his attempt to replicate it in Afghanistan was an utter failure. This is not about who he's sleeping with, it's about his current job. How about general John Allen in Afghanistan, he's such a success that he's had time to trade 30,000 pages of emails with the broke Florida party girl who apparently believes she's due diplomatic immunity. Again, who cares, the war's such a glorious success, 30,000 pages of emails, that's a lot of time when soldiers are dying every day. Perhaps he should be sending the commander in chief 30,000 emails with the news we should stop wasting our soldiers lives in that useless cesspool, or thinking up strategies. 30,000 is not a number you do on your idle off hours, 30,000 is a number compiled while you're doing nothing else but. I don't care if he's playing chess, talking to his children, 30,000 indicates the man has abdicated his duty, that he is no longer fit to serve. Our soldiers and taxpayers deserve better.
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