Michael's Dispatches

Petraeus Stoning Sentence Handed Down by Elders

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18 November 2012

Petraeus and the Woman Broadwell to be Stoned on the White House Lawn
Uproar over Stone Auction: first Stone bid reaches $1 million

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(A Humorless, gonzo parody.)

The Nine Wise Elders convened for tea to discuss the fates of the woman Paula Broadwell and General (ret.) David Petraeus.  In accordance with Old Law, both parties to adultery have been sentenced to Death by Stoning.

Mercy was granted to the man, who shall be Stoned first, using the Quick Stoning provision.  The evil woman shall be condemned to a Special Stoning, unless she is determined to be a Witch or a Temptress.

The verdict by the Nine Wise Elders (NWE) was unanimous.  Since only the NWE are permitted to see the evidence and to read the laws, sentencing guidelines remain mysterious but are trusted by the populace.

The man normally receives a Quick Stoning, while the woman (if neither Witch nor Temptress) receives a Special Stoning in nearly all cases other than rape.

The merciful NWE sometimes mete out Quick Stonings to women in cases of rape, or in cases of adultery when the woman is under the age of seven.  Rape in all cases is tantamount to adultery for married women.  Unmarried women under the age of ten may avoid Stoning by marrying the man, if he chooses to marry her.

In cases where the man can provide evidence that the woman is a Temptress or a Witch, he may avoid Stoning, but his tainted body will be hanged or banished.

image004-1000Acceptance of full responsibility by Petraeus caused fainting and delirium.

Upon accusation, General Petraeus refused to accuse the woman Broadwell of Bewitching or Tempting him. This is inexplicable. He may lawfully hang guilt upon the woman.  Few men accept unconditional responsibility for their actions.  Fewer still when the sentence is death, and none when a woman is clearly at fault.

The NWE suspect that Petraeus is under a spell of Witchcraft, though Petraeus denies that Broadwell is a Witch.  This hallucination defies reason for it is universally known that only a woman’s Sorcery or Temptation can defile a pure man.  It would seem that Petraeus is admitting to impurity.

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The Quick Stoning of Petraeus is to begin at sunrise on the White House lawn.  The event will begin the moment that the first rays of direct sunlight can be seen from the torch of the Statue of Liberty in New York.

A team of Court Spotters has been dispatched to the torch, and when they see the first rays of direct sunlight, they will use a signal mirror to reflect those rays to a Navy ship below, manned by a trusted and obedient Captain, who will radio the Elders inside the White House.

image008-1000Normal Sunday Morning Political Crucifixions have been pushed back one week

The Stoning shall begin thusly, still in darkness in Washington.  Local darkness was chosen in deference to the General's four decades of service to God and to country.  This also provides his soul an entire day to flee before the woman’s soul, if she has one, is released to find him and to haunt him in the lonely forest of screams.

The sun’s rays are likely to hit the Torch of Liberty at about 0626 EST.  Stonings sometimes are delayed by hours or even by days due to fog or clouds blocking direct purifying sunlight.  The recent Devil’s work of Hurricane Sandy—aptly given a woman’s name—delayed several Stonings and Crucifixions, leading to a backlog that took one week to clear.

image010-1000Executions will take the people’s minds off of the empty bellies of their hungry children. (1936 photo by Dorothea Lange, showing Florence Owens Thomspon)

Petraeus shall not be bound with ropes for the event.  He has requested to take his Stoning standing up, and without a blindfold. Such a request has never fallen upon the ears of the Nine Wise Elders.

image012-1000It is rumored among the mob that George Washington is the only American to have spent more years than Petraeus as a combatant General. The number of Generals who have served as Supreme Commanders in two wars would fit inside a normal two-horse buggy. His presence in Washington DC has become disruptive.

In deference to the sentiments of the people, the Elders have granted Petraeus’s wish to remain unbound for execution.  Likewise, his wish to dispense with the blindfold is granted with stipulation: Petraeus has agreed to remain still at attention for the Stoning, and to refrain from engaging in counterattack, no matter the mockery or depth of sting to his person.

His sort is disposed to fight unto death.  And so despite Petraeus’s assurances that he will not fight, it is not without misgivings or dissent that the NWE grant his request.  This decision was taken 5 to 4.

It is not certain that Petraeus can resist his natural inclination to combat, and despite his seniority, Petraeus remains a fit and dangerous man who attracted a young woman.  If he injures one of the Stoners, the people may riot and stampede about the Mall, as is their nature.  The only things that the mobs love more than Petraeus are a good execution followed by rioting and debauchery.  We should have to crush Stone Mountain to create enough medicine to set this land onto the path of righteousness.

image014-1000Generals who venture into politics are crossing the river.

Bill Clinton shall be the first tosser, and he shall toss the first Stone.  Clinton shall toss only once, though he is an accomplished and experienced tosser.  As a young Stoner, Clinton later presided over many events.  After tossing, Clinton shall act as referee.  No women shall be tossers, nor shall they be present during the tossing, nor shall they handle the Stones to be tossed.

One thousand Stones shall be licensed by auction.  The license is for a single toss. Men under the age of ten may use a slingshot and clear marbles (not cat-eyes which are reserved for women).  Men ten years old and younger must use the slingshots provided, and none other. Men over eighty may use slingshots.

A Stone may be tossed once, and shall rest where it falls.  No refunds or discounts shall be issued for misses.  Only US Citizens are permitted to toss.


image016-1000Petraeus and the Woman shall be pilloried for three consecutive days before the event. They shall be watered but not fed. FBI Inquisitor Fredrick Humphries shall be carried by able men and tossed from the 14th Street Bridge into the River Potomac. If he can swim, he is free to escape to the far side into permanent banishment.

The Farmer’s Almanac indicates that the weather should be clear, and Nostradamus predicted that the Stoning will be punctual.  The official Witchdoctor from Kenya rolled chicken bones, and predicted a timely execution. Punxsutawney Phil said that it will be a day like any other.

image018-1000FBI Inquisitor Fredrick Humphries sent a shirtless photograph of himself to the married woman Jill Kelley, who complained about the adulteress Broadwell, which led the Inquisitors back to Petraeus.

The maximum time for the Petraeus Quick Stoning is 10 minutes.  If the sentence is not completed within 10 minutes, the 5-ton Wrecking Ball of Mercy shall be released to complete the sentence in accordance with decency and compassion.

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After the event, the used Stones shall again be auctioned for full and perpetual ownership, along with an official certificate of authenticity.  No body parts or fluids shall be auctioned, though bloodied Stones shall be auctioned at a premium.

image021-1000Criminals shall be pilloried in celebration for seven days in the top 100 cities

The woman Broadwell shall remain pilloried and present during the Quick Stoning.  Selected criminals shall be pilloried around Washington, and by the courthouses of the top 100 cities of the Republic, to strike terror into the hearts of evildoers.  A fine of $10 shall be levied against anyone striking or tossing a Stone at the pilloried criminals.  (This is expected to raise significant revenue.)

After General Petraeus’s Quick Stoning, it must be determined if the woman Broadwell is a Temptress, or a Witch, and this shall be performed in the normal manner, in the River Potomac, from the 14th Street Bridge.

image023-1000Distraction hanging

Before the woman is tested, the Federal Bureau of Inquisition (FBI) shall perform a distraction using a criminal, who shall be hanged from the bridge, as is customary.  The rope shall be cut, and as the current carries the body away, the Devil will be distracted as he steals the soul, allowing several minutes for Witch testing.

Without distraction, the presence of the Devil may render a false reading by lifting the body of a woman to the surface, who may be a Temptress, or just a Wretch or Wench, as are all women in their evil cores.  There is good in every man, but only God knows which women contain rare traces worthy of redemption.

image024-1000During a recent Witch trial, a Federal Inquisitor was stricken dead by curse.

If the woman Broadwell floats, she will of course be judged to be a Witch.  To minimize risk of transport and escape, the Witch shall be burned upon the same bridge, using a fuel of collected driftwood and seized pornography, with her ashes poured into the River Potomac under the cover of darkness.

At least 12 hours shall transpire between her execution and that of General Petraeus, to allow the man’s soul plenty of head start.  Otherwise the ghost of Broadwell shall with its evil determinations and emulations seek and find him, damning his soul to perpetual torment.  The woman Broadwell is a very fit runner, and so the soul of Petraeus will need advantage if it is to rest in peace.

image026-1000Newspapers shall run stories of justice rendered.

If the woman Broadwell drowns and is thus discovered not to be a Witch, she shall be revived and dragged behind a black gelding to the Supreme Courthouse of the Elders.  A stallion may not be used, lest a Temptress use her powers to persuade the stallion to aid her in escape.  It displeases the people when they must Stone a horse.

image028-1000The woman Broadwell is a dangerous beast and must remain shackled. Inquisitors shall carry pistols loaded with silver bullets.

The woman Broadwell’s body shall be examined for piercings, tattoos, enhancements of the lips or of the curved regions, or other permanent defilements to the human body such as straightening of the teeth.  If ruinations are found, she shall be judged guilty of despoiling a Temple of God.

If the woman Broadwell is found to use impermanent pollutions such as perfumes, or paints for finger or toenails, or colored contact lenses, which are known to perturb the hearts of good men, she shall be judged a Temptress who practiced seduction, but not special magic.

If she employed premeditated Temptations, the man shall be considered innocent and a prayer shall be said for his accosted soul and for his natural goodness, so that the man shall not be damned for eternity, and so he may rest in peace if he can escape the ghost of the woman Broadwell.


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To strike a blow against Temptation, the unholy Muslims use acids to dissolve the lures of a Temptress, along with cutting off her nose, lips or ears.  Such actions are permissible and not considered defilements of God’s work.

Mirrors and a woman’s beauty are the work of Satan.  Mirrors are Satan’s windows, and women who talk to mirrors whisper directly into his ear.  “Who is the fairest of them all?”  The Devil is quick to answer, “You are the fairest my dear.  Now go fetch a man’s soul for my appetites!”  Satan invested especial effort creating the woman Broadwell, for he needed many powerful baits in collusion to entice the man Petraeus to taste the poison honey.

image032-1000The events will take the minds of the masses off of the endless war in Afghanistan, the debacle in Benghazi, the crime and unemployment at home, and the irony that Baltimore is more dangerous than Kabul.

Counter-beautification measures are known to defeat the spell cast by beauty, and shall be considered despite their association with Muslims.  If the woman is deemed to be a Temptress, she shall face the blade, then the acid, before the Stoning, so that final public memories of her disfigurement shall be burned into every eye cast upon her.

Her punishment shall be broadcast live on all television stations.  (The Stoning of the man shall not be broadcast.)

image034-1000Two men shall be hanged in each of the top 100 cities

During the natural intermission caused by the final testing for Witch-ness, and the trial for Temptation, eighty military officers of no special name or circumstance shall be nominated by the Federal Inquisitors for lynching.  The Inquisitors shall nominate the selectees by randomly reading postal letters.

The Inquisitors possess the authority to read personal letters after good Americans decided that it was wise to surrender their unholy freedoms back to the Trusted Elders, and to the Nine Wise Men, who can more properly hold trials in secret, which lifts a heavy burden from the public, and ensures security and perfect justice in all cases.

The Inquisitors are today randomly inspecting bags of mail to and from the Pentagon and military bases worldwide, in order to nominate the lynching candidates.  The General John Allen is suspected, but he is a man of consequence and he shall be saved for another day.  There is also the practical matter that he is deployed to war and must be fetched for punishment if he is convicted of any wrongdoing.

image036-1000The Great Hanging of military officers shall take place in Washington on the same day. Audience participation is encouraged.

This lynching is not an attempt by the Trusted Elders, or by the Nine Wise Elders, to distract attention from other matters, or by the Inquisitors of the FBI to draw attention from its bewitched agent Humphries, who was Tempted by a married woman, who appears to be a Witch, or at minimum a Temptress, causing the agent of the Holy FBI to become smitten even while he investigated her dirtiness.  She claimed diplomatic immunity, and Ambassadorship, and so at minimum was using the implements of disguise.  She shall be dealt with in due course.

image038-1000Citizens who attempt to disrupt the events shall be admonished en masse.

The intermission lynching is for the enjoyment of the mob, and to keep them entertained while the woman Broadwell is tested for Witchcraft and examined for Temptations.  Any speculation that the lynchings are for any other purpose invites mail reading and public pillory, or other forms of discipline.

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To assure the safety of the mob, no Stones shall be tossed during the live entertainment.  The event shall begin with customary ostracization (profanity is punishable by fine), followed by a normal gauntlet.  For safety, bullwhips are not permitted (they are by any means impractical in the gauntlet).

Horse crops, pinching, slapping and punching are permitted.  Gawkers should refrain from the gauntlet to allow room for participants.  Cameras are permitted during all events, assuming that common courtesy is observed.  Official photographers will be present. Photographs will be distributed to all newspapers.  Journalists are encouraged to swarm upon the story and with piranha-like fervor.

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No torture shall be allowed during the lynching, which will end in a merciful hanging.  Commemorative postcards will be printed on site, and will be available for immediate sale.

In case of the Special Stoning of the woman Broadwell, one ton of projectiles shall be provided without charge.  The projectiles shall be small cat-eye playing marbles, and pieces of jagged coral and oyster shells, taken from dead ocean reefs.

Double throws will be permitted.  Slingshots will be strictly prohibited.  The Wrecking Ball of Mercy shall not be employed.  Special Stonings of Women typically last for 10 to 12 hours.

image043-1000The woman Broadwell shall be properly buried before Stoning

Personal projectiles are forbidden.  Used projectiles may be taken as keepsakes, free of charge.  Proper attire is expected.  No shorts, no sandals.

Upon completion, the body of the Woman shall be set upon a bonfire, followed by fireworks and libations.

Please see this video of a recent stoning.

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  • This commment is unpublished.
    Hercdriver · 6 years ago
    As I recall, the photo of the Depression-era woman you used is a Pulitzer-winner showing a migrant family of Oakies who had fled the Dust Bowl. I don't fully agree with its use, although I am sure there are faces such as hers to be currently seen in various locations around America. She is really beautiful; not in the classic sense, of course, but in the strength and determination she portrays in the face of terrible adversity. I have seen the photo many times and have often wondered what eventually happened to her and her family. She is reminiscent of the photo of Sharbat Gula, the Afghan woman who appeared on the cover of national Geographic.
    • This commment is unpublished.
      Joe · 6 years ago
      Herc guy ... ur absolutely right it's Dorothea Lange's work
    • This commment is unpublished.
      Me · 6 years ago
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_Owens_Thompson
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Brian · 6 years ago
    You have a strange sense of humor my friend.....
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Michael Yon author · 6 years ago
    Sad to see that so many journalists who supported Petraeus before, suddenly piling on. The irony is inescapable.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    David Cross · 6 years ago
    :lol: Michael: You are one sick puppy albeitca well informed MOFO. Just saw "Lincoln"today(a real Spielberg masterpiece)
    and went on FB to catch up on the usual chatter but was not ready for your rant on the whole Petraeus affair(no pun intended)
    Your wit,humor and true understanding of what's really going on here are remarkable.
    Your parody of Salem Witch Hunts, hangings, and Supreme Court was right on.
    Keep on Keeping on Brother-David Cross
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Barbara · 6 years ago
    Wow, this is a way more complicated process than anything I ever read in Leviticus. It had to be written by the Pentagon. Sarcasm intended.

    The way journalists have turned this into a feeding frenzy shows how fickle their attentions can be.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    Hercdriver · 6 years ago
    [quote name="Me"]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_Owens_Thompson[/quote]

    I appreciate it very much.
  • This commment is unpublished.
    klon · 6 years ago
    That's real cute. He left his men to die in Benghazi while he left to hobnob at the movie premiere glorifying our president's 'heroics' in killing bin Laden. Petraeus didn't even bother to stay around for the conclusion, he didn't send support, he didn't act he abdicated responsibility and two of his men died after 8 hours of fighting while he posed for photos. He did a great job in Iraq, his attempt to replicate it in Afghanistan was an utter failure. This is not about who he's sleeping with, it's about his current job. How about general John Allen in Afghanistan, he's such a success that he's had time to trade 30,000 pages of emails with the broke Florida party girl who apparently believes she's due diplomatic immunity. Again, who cares, the war's such a glorious success, 30,000 pages of emails, that's a lot of time when soldiers are dying every day. Perhaps he should be sending the commander in chief 30,000 emails with the news we should stop wasting our soldiers lives in that useless cesspool, or thinking up strategies. 30,000 is not a number you do on your idle off hours, 30,000 is a number compiled while you're doing nothing else but. I don't care if he's playing chess, talking to his children, 30,000 indicates the man has abdicated his duty, that he is no longer fit to serve. Our soldiers and taxpayers deserve better.
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